the worst!
ever!

i want to fly on my bicycle, to spend hours reading in the grass, to drink beer in the sun, i want to get pierced and tattooed and go dancing and i want to be outside. right. now. i am ready for road trips and new albums and freckles.

i want everyone to drop their defenses, lose their neuroses,
(myself first and foremost)
and i want there to be no jealousy, no confusion, just simplicity & pure emotion.

it's been so long. (we've moved away, we've come back, we never left.) it is autumn again. it is road trips and camping and in-the-car-in-the-city-in-the-night. it is memories, the kind that kill (softly, sweetly). it is a year. it is the same ground, it is completely different. it is the fog, the smell of your face, the eucalyptus, the care packages, the care, the packaging. the bottles and bottles and bottles of wine. it is the screened calls. it is the refinement, the restraint. it is the lack of inhibition. it is the look, the smile, the shine in your eye. the glare making your hair glow. the huge laugh. the knowing glance. every day anew. inside jokes before they exist. catching you comfortable. all our limbs. our heads together. every day anew.

this autumn is beautiful, and frustrating. so much going on, and yet so little.
my heart on my sleeve, and my hand clamped over it.
breathing in, breathing out. trying not to blink.

there is a finite point on the horizon. hurtling toward upheaval/everything changing on so many levels, all at once.

lately:
being frustrated and overemotional
going to visit deirdre and having more fun than i thought humanly possible (e.g. caltrain, accordians & drum machines, wine & ice cream, photobooths, skeeball, etc. etc.)
going to the opera
dropping my piano class
logging into facebook regularly
standing in the rain
tired of certain people (and tired of my patience with them)
playing the lottery
staying up too late

"research is collaborative, not competitive."

--rwc

i saw the bubble twice this weekend. the first time, i walked into the theater at the same time the only other person who came to the last show of the day did-- he looked at me and said, "do you want to see a movie with me?" ...so we sat in the same row, a few seats apart, in the middle of the room, surrounded by empty chairs. it was a nice way to see what can only be described as an extremely powerful film. i was glad to share the experience with someone, and i think he was too. the second time, i watched it with jenny and we were the only two women in a theater full of gay men. the juxtaposition of the two experiences distilled the story even further.

these characters, this storyline: i find myself thinking of it, i find it's stuck with me. it's been quite a few years since i've found myself this satisfied with a film. film for film's sake, film for its potential, its ability, its inherent imperfectness. it is fucking hilarious and heartwrenching. i am a sucker for the obvious, for the romeo & juliets.

please see it, if you can.

well. let's see.
it is nearly mid-september, and the weather has begun to shift. layers, sweaters, scarves at night. it is the season of self-loathing and reminiscence. i love this time of year as much as i find it difficult.

things have settled into their routine. i am not carrying a full load of classes this semester, because i-- well, because i don't need to. my culminating experience project is the only one required, and i picked up an art history class to maintain financial aid qualification. they are both rather straightforward, plus a piano class at city college on tuesday nights. i am remembering how much i really love two-year/community colleges, especially ones built in the 20s and 30s. at $20 a unit, i can't complain. anyway, i am doing my research project on the pwa in san francisco, a topic that is not necessarily a passion, but that i won't be tired of by the end of semester. the art history class is art & politics of the 20th century... not too bad, but we shall see. i walk past ceramics studios to get to the lecture room, and the smell of the clay makes me miss high school so fucking bad.

anyway.

work has been equally crazy and frustrating, and reiterating any of it would be exhausting, so i won't. i spent the last three weeks of the summer recess watching too many documentaries. most of them were really good, and made me really really pissed off. no end in sight is the best i've seen this year, and if any of you get the opportunity to watch it, do so. i also watched when the levees broke in the same week. that combination was a little intense. there have been others: manufactured landscapes, born into brothels, the bridge, and the 11th hour, which was so much better than an inconvenient truth.

must run. xo.

i am still here, still alive. i am working too much (but just enough to get everything done and make ends meet). i feel, in a lot of respects, like i am finally living here. things have been on hold because of school, but now i only have three units left before i can graduate, and it is summer... so, yeah. taking walks and going to the farmer's market and finally going to the library for things i want to read and not feeling guilty.

i am so so sad about mr. wizard dying. i have very specific memories of watching him, from a very young age. there were two walnut trees in the backyard of the house i lived in until i was 6 or 7, and i remember watching his show on a cloudy day when my dad was outside in the backyard raking up the wet leaves. he was doing the experiment where the boy stood in the doorway and pressed his arms against the frame for thirty seconds or so and then once he stopped and stood out of it, his arms couldn't stay down. little things. i absorbed a lot.

i love this picture:



it makes me happy and sad, at the same time.

well.
i am back in san francisco after two and a half days in visalia for thanksgiving. things went rather well, considering i did not have enough of an opportunity to emotionally prepare myself for the whole thing. both my younger brother and sister were there as well. it had been a really long time since we were all in the same place at the same time. it's exhausting.

got to see jason, will & amber (and amber's family), rick & robin, matt & heather and their absolutely beautiful genius children, grandma & grandpa, clay, and mary & bill, which was all super-nice. and others, briefly, at howie's on wednesday night. somehow i escaped being completely drunk all weekend. i'm not sure how that happened.

coming back home after being in visalia is always a little weird. it's hard to leave (the people) (the comfortable things i remember that are pure perspective) certain things about visalia. but san francisco welcomed me back with open arms and warm enveloping beauty, all the things i love, that feeling. visited deirdre briefly and came back on the 280, my favorite favorite way to come into the city (although i love all of them), cause you get to see it all. it was cloudy, storms brewing that broke overnight and made me sleep a little longer, through really weird and violent dreams (maybe my body and brain were just thankful to be in my bed?). so gorgeous, the sky on fire and dark and hills and buildings and the view. so perfect. took the car back perfectly on time, got a ride home from avis (so free, so much nicer than a taxi). put everything away, made my bed, bought frozen pizza at le beau. watched this week's grey's anatomy twice in a row with a bottle of little penguin and crashed out by 10:30. i slept until after 11 this morning.

now it's back to reality. checked in with a few people this morning, made coffee, did all my online stuff, and now i'm staring the end of the semester down in the face. time to focus and get moving. lots of shit to read, oh christ. so much. but it will get done. and things will be fine, will move along like they always do, in the slipstream of time.

i saw science of sleep today. & i liked it.